Sunday, June 26, 2011

June 26th, 2011

Dear Yesterday,

You made me feel alienated again. You remember being a first year at university, sitting in the dining hall surrounded by 500 other bodies that all seem to know each other and all you can do is feel too sick inside to eat your single swipe worth of sweet potato fries, feta cheese and roasted red peppers? That's how I felt. I was there again, sharing the only table left with the all white boy and his all white lunch - potato chips, turkey sandwich and hard boiled eggs - trying to strike up a conversation and only making him feel even more awkward in his extreme pallor. Only this time I was with a group of overdressed girls at a garden party listening to a singer that was trying way too hard to smile.

I felt wrong. I felt alone. I felt tired.

This is a trend again. This exhaustion that comes from just being ok.

When I was 14 my house burned down and it was terrifying and traumatizing and all I can think is it would be so liberating if it all just happened again.

I would collect the insurance and run away somewhere that made me happy. But that's not going to happen. I have to be a grown up about this. I have to bide my time and make my plans and keep a goal in my sights so when I pull the trigger I am not just shooting wildly but aiming directly at the bulls eye. The bulls eye is happiness, and self expression and creativity and security. The bulls eye is my future. Not what might be, not what I hope wont be but what must be.

I can just overlook all these feelings and keep walking forward. I know right now it's not walking, it's crawling and trudging and tripping and lying on the ground for a few minutes while I cry over a skinned knee but it will be easier some day, and if not easier, than more worth the pain.


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

June 21st, 2011

Dear Yesterday,

I hope all the plans and preparations we made pan out today. I want to take advantage of my unemployment instead of wallowing in it. Here is to creativity and productivity.

I believe in us. Lets make something beautiful.


Monday, June 20, 2011

June 20th, 2011

Dear Yesterday,

We learned some lessons, good lessons. Good, important, spice of life kind of lessons. It's a terrible thing to admit, that after nearly five years together, I'm only just showing my whole self to my husband. Yesterday, you got to see that full force didn't you?

I am kind of a bitch. Ok, wrong term. Bitch implies spiteful vindictiveness. I am an ass. I get annoyed with life and spout off hilariously. I go on long rants about the inadequacy of people around me. I am quick witted and sharp tongued.

I am also sexy. I am sexual and sensual and very aware of my body. I know and love my body and despite being a little heavier than I prefer, I still know how to use my shape to my advantage.

I am creative. I make things and make things better. I surround myself with beauty because it bring joy and I know the value of that joy in a life that has often lacked it. I am proud of these part of myself. They are fabulous and varied and rich and me.

I realized something not long ago however. For a long time, I was not embracing these parts of myself like I should. I was hiding them away because I thought other parts were more important. The rich creamy colorful center was being shielded by other, more utilitarian aspects of my person: nurturing, responsibility and communication. What good is a sexy creative wit when there are people who need help and guidance.

For the beginnings of our relationship, my husband was uncomfortable with those other bits of me. His own insecurities made it hard for him to listen to my quick jabs at others without remembering his own feeling of inadequacy. My sexuality and intimacy only made him feel awkward and unsexy. And though he was impressed by my creativity, he couldn't understand my emotional tie to beautiful things. This is the man who plays classical guitar but has never been moved by a piece of music. It was foreign and uncomfortable for him. So I turned it all down. Temporarily, I said to myself. When he becomes more comfortable with me, I will let myself be more honest.

Well it was coming up on 4 years and I realized that I was still hiding. I know why. I am not blind to how our lives progressed. My husband has had issues with his temper. When I met him he had two emotions: happiness and anger. He did not get sad or stressed or scared, he got pissed. For years I did all I could to help him learn how his own mind worked and how to feel things without losing control of himself and turning to anger. In our time together he has taken control of his life and his emotions. He is able to express and understand how he feels without my constant guidance.

This is how things started to change. Suddenly things were so nice. Nice and calm and working. We had smoothed out the wrinkles and stitched up the holes only to find that the cloth did not match the decor. It was plain white in the midst of bold colors and textures and something needed to change.

So I started to come out. A little at a time. My wit was first. I was no longer worried about his angry reaction so I said what I thought when I thought it! To my delight he laughed and joined in. Then came my creativity. I began to pursue a career doing something I loved instead of just working to pay bills and buy things. This took a slightly longer adjustment period and a little more explaining, but he finally got it. He may never feel the same emotions I do for creation and art but he understands that I will not be whole without them.

Then finally it came to the most difficult. Sex. Intimacy. Obviously we have sex and are close to each other. We cuddle occasionally, and we talk about serious things. The issue was that he felt some level of discomfort from all of it. He would joke and avoid. He would fidget and get annoyed at my need to touch him and be near him. He would say that despite all the good that has come from our emotional talks they still made him feel sick and horrible when they were happening. It was something I needed to really expose to him completely, if we were going to fix it.

And Yesterday, I just want to thank you for how things went. Because it was a beautiful day. I asked my husband if he remembered being held by a parent. He said no. I asked if he ever, before me, just touched anyone without there being an ulterior motive. He said no. I told him we were gonna try it. The cycle of emotion on his face while I laid next to him and looked at his eyes and held his hand was almost comical. He averted his eyes, he smiled awkwardly, he twitched and frowned, went rigid next to me and then relaxed again and finally he just looked at me. He wrapped his arm around me, pulled me close and let out a breath and we just sat there that way until I heard him start to breath low and fall asleep. It was beautiful.

Dear, dear Yesterday, you have no idea how great it was to look at him and have him look back, not in discomfort but just in being. I felt safe and sure for the first time in months. I knew our future then, and I knew it was going to be ok, everything. I am sorry to say that I have not been feeling so secure lately. I have been instead feeling scared, unfulfilled and tired. I have been wondering about my choices and if I had lost my way somewhere.

I told my husband after he opened his eyes again that intimacy was not about sex. It was about comfort. I told him to be intimate you have to focus all of you on another person and have them focus back on you. I told him that in the future he would sit on the couch and hold our someday baby and let it sleep on his chest and forget everything about the world but the feel of the warm little weight in his arms and it would be the most intimate moment of his life so far. I wanted him to be prepared for that and enjoy it, not be frightened or uncomfortable.

So thank you Yesterday. Thank you for helping him see that there is something wonderful about being close to a person and letting all your walls down.

Also thank you for allowing me the opportunity to teach him the four rules of foreplay.

1. Stay Focused: sex is serious business, be aware of your partner and respond to their body, don't give up if things move slowly and don't distract if you are feeling unsure.

2. Pleasure your partner. Foreplay is not about the goal of climax, it is about anticipation. If all parties are mainly focused on each other, then no one will feel disappointed.

3. Variation: You will get nowhere if you stay in the same place forever. Explore each others bodies.

4. Subtle Transitions: All the heat you have been building will turn cold if you begin the sex act like you are punching in at work. let your body do what it wants and allow your need to guide you, not the idea of how things should go.

Yesterday, I hope our next meeting is a great as our last was.


Saturday, June 18, 2011

June 18th, 2011

Dear Yesterday,

Things have been weird between us, I am sure you noticed. I look back at our time and it leaves me feeling awkward. I try to remember the good times, but all I can think is how I gorged myself on danish and that I finished The Dresden Files with disappointment. Not disappointment that it was over, but that it was not all I had hoped it would be. Much the same as how I feel about you.

How could I have made it through the day without taking a shower? How disgusting am I. You have pushed me to a point where I do not shower everyday. Because, fuck it, no one will see me today but James and he wont notice.

Yesterday, I thought we had come to an agreement, that we would both make the most of each other. After our last meeting, a meeting resulting in nothing of value, I had hoped something would change. Damn it man! This is getting out of hand. Neither of us are worth a shit by our selves. I am nothing without another yesterday and you are nothing without a person to fill your time.

You belong to me Yesterday, I own you, so start acting like it. When I say we need to accomplish something, I really fucking mean it.

So Yesterday, this is the last chance. You need to get your shit together so I can get my shit together. I know I am putting most of the blame on you, and perhaps that is wrong. I need to place it somewhere or else I will just stop functioning.

So that't it Yesterday, get it together.

Sincerely, Silvana