June 26th, 2011

Dear Yesterday,

You made me feel alienated again. You remember being a first year at university, sitting in the dining hall surrounded by 500 other bodies that all seem to know each other and all you can do is feel too sick inside to eat your single swipe worth of sweet potato fries, feta cheese and roasted red peppers? That's how I felt. I was there again, sharing the only table left with the all white boy and his all white lunch - potato chips, turkey sandwich and hard boiled eggs - trying to strike up a conversation and only making him feel even more awkward in his extreme pallor. Only this time I was with a group of overdressed girls at a garden party listening to a singer that was trying way too hard to smile.

I felt wrong. I felt alone. I felt tired.

This is a trend again. This exhaustion that comes from just being ok.

When I was 14 my house burned down and it was terrifying and traumatizing and all I can think is it would be so liberating if it all just happened again.

I would collect the insurance and run away somewhere that made me happy. But that's not going to happen. I have to be a grown up about this. I have to bide my time and make my plans and keep a goal in my sights so when I pull the trigger I am not just shooting wildly but aiming directly at the bulls eye. The bulls eye is happiness, and self expression and creativity and security. The bulls eye is my future. Not what might be, not what I hope wont be but what must be.

I can just overlook all these feelings and keep walking forward. I know right now it's not walking, it's crawling and trudging and tripping and lying on the ground for a few minutes while I cry over a skinned knee but it will be easier some day, and if not easier, than more worth the pain.

Sincerely,
Silvana